Begin Again

by Nur Aqilah

Prada, Gucci, Chanel. Name it, and Lily’s got it. The idea that money makes the world go round drives her to pursue material wealth. Lily splurges all her money on luxury goods and designer bags. She has a well-paying job, a bungalow all to herself, and love from her fans. There is nothing more she needs in life. Lily is a famous author with best-selling books. She started writing when she was 20 years old. However, the opportunity didn’t come easy, especially since Lily struggles to acknowledge her potential.

Twenty years ago, Lily was a fresh graduate, still finding her interests and looking for job opportunities. Despite graduating as a Veterinarian, her heart and passion looked towards reading and writing. She often wrote short stories as a side project during her secondary school days. When she caught herself having some free time, she’d start typing down ideas for a book that she had one day hoped to publish. However, that was just one big dream of hers. Lily doubts she’d ever make a good writer, so she had never shown anyone her works until she glanced upon a poster in the school library with Sophia. Lily was hesitant to join the writing competition, but Sophia encouraged Lily because she believed Lily had the potential. She also wanted Lily to have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It took Lily until the very end of the closing date to submit her ten paged write-up. Will the judging panel read Lily’s work and throw it in the ‘rejected’ pile? Or will she win and finally be the greatest writer of all time? It turned out to be the latter.

Lily won the competition, and they offered her a contract to write a book within the next eight months. She thought about it for a long time, and with Sophia’s encouragement, she signed the contract and started writing her first official book in no time. In the following year, her book was published and had gained attention and love from readers. She would attend book signings and meet-and-greets with Sophia as Sophia had a car, and it was convenient for Lily to get around. Sophia didn’t mind offering rides to Lily most of the time because she was genuinely happy for her career progression. Lily often hears the famous question, “When will you be writing your next book?” People enjoyed her book and were looking forward to more. Of course, Lily spent most of her time writing and writing. In 3 years, she had already earned so much and even bought an office for herself. Lily’s success turned her into a highly critical and arrogant person. Anything that didn’t go her way would anger her.

“I am not getting in that car with you! Are you insane? What would the public think of me when they see me in this old model Toyota?” said Lily with her eyes narrowed and lips curled. Lily did not want to hop in Sophia’s old car. The same old car she took three years ago to book signings and meet-and-greets. Lily’s Lamborghini was not available as she had sent it for a car wrap for the third time in 6 months just because she had a change in her favourite colour. “We are taking a taxi to the mall. Leave your car here first and take it once we return from the mall. Park it away from my garage. I don’t want anyone seeing this ugly car near my property.”, demanded Lily.

Sophia was taken aback by Lily’s words but brushed off the thought of it. As soon as she got out of her car to hail a taxi, Lily passed on another comment. “Oh Sophia, what are you wearing? Are those the same pair of white shoes you were wearing three years ago? And this thrifted T-shirt? So last year. You know, it’s so embarrassing to be out with you! I am going to the mall, but you should go home. Take your nasty little car with you.” Sophia was speechless. The hurt Sophia felt from Lily’s words were immeasurable. Lily never heard from Sophia again after that. Of course, it didn’t matter to Lily.

Dear Future Lily,

This is a letter from your 20-year-old self. Remember to open me ten years later when you’re 30. I hope by then your career has taken off. You’d be a successful veterinarian. I wrote this letter right after I submitted the write-up for that competition. In all honesty, I crazily wanted to join it. Being a writer was my passion but being a veterinarian was what my family wanted. I didn’t want to disappoint them, and it’s not like I would win it anyway. Maybe joining the competition was a way of saying goodbye to writing, so I did. I am very grateful for Sophia for constantly pushing me to do things I never would’ve done myself. I hope ten years down the road, you will still be in contact with Sophia. I hope the two of us never become strangers whose laugh I could recognise anywhere. I hope we can still count on each other no matter the circumstances. Lastly, I hope we’d still make time to crash my house on weekends to eat ice cream and watch our favourite shows despite our busy schedules. This 20-year-old Lily wishes nothing but the best for the 30-year-old you.

A tidal wave of emotion swelled inside me. I found this letter in my memory box while clearing up for a house renovation. I guess sometimes situations do not always pan out the way I wanted them to be. I’m so glad I found this letter. Now I’m 40, opening the letter 10 years late. 20 years ago, I failed to realise that it’s the simple things that matter, like friends and family, and it deeply pains me to reflect on it. I am utterly disgusted with the way I acted towards Sophia. That was very selfish and ignorant of me. I was too occupied with champagne problems of mine that I didn’t consider Sophia’s feelings when I said nasty things straight to her face. I spent two decades doing the things I enjoyed most, writing and being rich, of course, but at what cost?

I’ve lived a luxurious life, and I am the bestselling author out there. I am grateful for what I’ve accomplished so far, but there was always the feeling of guilt in me. I have now found the answer I’ve been looking for all these years. The guilt. Sophia. If it hadn’t been for her, who constantly encouraged me and reminded me of the great things I could do, it wouldn’t have moved me to apply for the writing competition 20 years ago, and I wouldn’t be where I am today. To Sophia, I may have fallen away from this friendship when my career peaked, but I hope someday you’ll find a place in your heart to forgive me. To my fans, thank you for your support and for giving me a space to be vulnerable. I hope you enjoy my last book, for now, my autobiography.